The tales of hope

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16th April ~ 1:47am

The tales of Hope.

Today was a good day. Why? I had hope. I felt hope.

I’ve always had a painful relationship with hope. Why? It’s simply because I don’t deal very well with disappointment. Given how I previously would feel the need to always be in a strong position, to feel in control, or to just feel strong for myself (and perhaps others around me), I never took disappointment well. Hope means allowing yourself to come to terms with the fact that things may work out or… they may not. An optimist would focus on the former, a pessimist would focus on the latter. Do you want to guess which part I focus on? Take a pretty wild guess.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”. Proverbs 13: 12

Now as I’ve gotten older, mature and gotten a clearer idea of who I am, and more importantly who God says I am, I’ve stepped away from being a negative Nancy / moaning myrtle. Simply put – I prefer to see glasses as half full and not half empty. So back to my relationship with hope. You see, throughout this “waiting period” I’ve almost seen myself as someone who’s expecting a baby i.e. like I’m pregnant.

Purley because my emotions are all over the place and they go in cycles. The cycle goes a little like this:

Step 1: I get excited about something (a possible opportunity, a conversation, something that looks like it’s “the one”)

Step 2: I do the needful (do my homework, pray, be positive)

Step 3: I get more excited by the outcomes of step 2 (usually)

Step 4: I go on a dance with hope and positive expectations

Step 5: I hear back from these opportunities and things I was looking forward to – they decided to go another way

Step 6: My heart is broken into five million pieces

Step 7: I remember why I hate having hope

Photo by Mesut Kaya on Unsplash

Okay, you are right – very very very dramatic. Sounds like a pretty grim ballad. To make matters worse, this cycle has repeated itself at least 30 times over the last 5 months – very exhausting indeed. Anyway, you get the picture – we don’t have the best relationship. But today something felt different. I realised that it FELT different. Why? Because I finally came to the point where I realised that irrespective of what happens once I’m out of this waiting period, I am at peace. What I mean is even if the promise doesn’t happen right away [in my timeline], it will surely happen because the Lord said so.

I’ve learnt that hope is actually essential to getting through a waiting period. However, you need not be disappointed if things don’t pan out for one opportunity or for something you were looking forward to. In my life, I’ve come to realise that every single thing which I’ve lost or hasn’t been awarded to me worked out for my good. In the words of Steve Jobs you can’t connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them backwards i.e. only a retrospective view will help you understand why that particular door was closed. Plus, based on who I am, I know that the plans God has for me are good. Therefore, if He closed a door it means that something more grand is on the way.

I truly cannot explain the hope I felt today. It felt like God was getting up from his throne. It felt like he was inhaling and about to exhale on my situation. It just felt different.

I don’t know what all of this means. What will happen? How will it happen? What’s the sequence going to look like? I can’t answer any of these questions but what I do know is I felt like He was [and still is] breathing on the situation. My hope felt different. I feel excited.

Have you ever experienced this feeling? Let me know below!

Best, T

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